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If you see an emergency vehicle traveling on the opposite side of a concrete divider, stop abruptly.
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If you own a yellow construction vehicle, drive it on major roads during rush hour traffic.
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Make sure that you drive all types of slow or wide vehicles during peak traffic hours.
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If another driver is courteous enough to let you in front of him/her, show your appreciation by letting the entire world in front of you, including tractor trailers and construction vehicles.
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On multi-lane roads, always drive at the same speed as the vehicle next to you. Try to "box" in drivers behind you, who are attempting to pass.
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If you see a vehicle getting in your lane directly behind you, hit your brake pedal. The closer the vehicle, the harder you should press.
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Make as much black smoke as possible. When driving in heavy bumper-to-bumper traffic, always drive with at least 10 car lengths in front of you.
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Steer you car toward any small animals or rodents running through the street.
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If another driver honks at you, ignore it, continue to do exactly what you are doing, and give him a dirty look.
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The more expensive of a car you drive, the more you have the right of way.
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If you need to stop to ask for directions, wait until there is a car behind you and stop in your lane to block traffic.
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Try to ask directions from either a 90 year old local, a deaf person, an illegal alien, or a child.
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When parking in a residential neighborhood, always park in the street blocking someone else's driveway.
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Always change the radio station, tape, or CD while you are in the middle of changing lanes.
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Always save your nose picking for when you're behind the wheel.
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While listening to your favorite song, let other drivers on the road know that your listing to your favorite song. The best way to do this is, is to steer the car with your knee, pretend to be holding a pair of drum sticks, and start beating away at the steering wheel and rear-view mirror.
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Keep the driver seat as far back as possible so that you can barely reach the pedals.
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Save money. Don't bother with insurance.
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If you are on vacation and you see any sort of wildlife, stop in your lane to take a lot of pictures.
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When driving home with a pizza, drive with it on your lap. If you are driving fast, stick one arm out the window, twist your hand back and forth, and pretend to be an airplane as the wind lifts your arm.
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Never adjust your mirrors so that you can see anything. Or adjust them so that you can see your hair.
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When leaving a fast food drive-thru restaurant, drive into traffic by steering with your knee, as you balance a large Coke between your legs and unwrap your hamburger to squeeze ketchup onto it.
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If traffic is exceptionally heavy and you want to make an illegal turn, flash all blinker lights and go for it.
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When traveling with a pet in the back seat, turn around every 2 minutes and make sure little "Pookey" is okay. "How are you doing, Pookey? You like the car, Pookey? Who's my little Pookey? Good Pookey!!" Meanwhile, drive with one hand on the steering wheel and the other reaching behind the seat petting "Pookey's" little ears.
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When approaching a curve in the road, slow down as if the road is ENDING. When having another vehicle follow you to where ever you are going, and a third car merges between you, drive 5 miles an hour just to make sure that your followers (who are 2 cars behind) can see you.
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Drive closely behind speeding ambulances and fire trucks so you get ahead of everyone who pulls over to let them pass.
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If someone leans on their horn to get your attention so they can curse at you for a moronic thing you just did, ignore them and don't make eye contact.
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If the driver behind you is honking and flashing his headlights because he is in some sort of an emergency rush, do NOT pull over to let him pass.
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If you do get into an accident, try to take as many other vehicles with you as possible to jam up traffic with people who want to get home early.
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When driving around curves, always drive over the line and into the oncoming traffic lane.
